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The listings for the Kennedy Center in Washington shows a lighthearted bilingual show and an improvised theatrical troupe. Curiously absent from the public line-up is the upcoming FIFA World Cup draw, presumably because it is a exclusively invitation-only affair. Planners appear determined to avoid any unwanted guests from gaining entry at what threatens to be an excessively long, self-aggrandizing ceremony where well-paid dignitaries will undoubtedly repeat the tired platitude that "soccer brings together the world."

An A-List Line-Up

This glitzy event is set to be hosted by television personality Heidi Klum and diminutive American standup comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Joining the celebrity roster will be American football legend Eli Manning on welcoming details and actor Danny Ramirez as a roaming correspondent. Collectively, they will oversee a production that will undoubtedly have English football fans of a certain age missing the simpler, pomp-free days of Graham Taylor, FA officials, the FA tombola and a reliable velvet bag of simple, lottery balls.

Scheduled to last nearly three long hours, the event will feature a lengthy agenda of speechifying, overly sentimental highlight reels, approved gags, celebrity guests, musical turns from artists with perhaps no embarrassment or enormous tax bills, and then... finally, the real World Cup draw.

Sporting Legends on Draw Duty

Included in those helping to conducting the ceremony? NBA giant Shaquille O'Neal, hockey icon Wayne Gretzky, NFL star Tom Brady and baseball star Aaron Judge, all plucking balls under the supervision of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Given the considerable, deep well of charisma exhibited by these veteran sporting icons, barring an armed snatch-squad storming the event, it's hard to imagine what could potentially go wrong.

In reality, not much, if the insensitive justification of FIFA's widely reported World Cup ticket price-gouging mounted by an obsequious spokesperson is any kind of indicator. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more affordable for non-millionaires, the response was non-committal. "In my view we have to be aware of that and I think FIFA are definitely people that are aware of that," was the statement. "But listen, I think we can look at every industry, every sector, we could have that conversation about things," it was noted. The implication appeared that high prices are acceptable when compared with other high-end goods.

The Main Event

With over forty teams already secured a place for next year's jamboree and six more due to join, there will be a real feeling of giddiness once the preliminaries conclude and the main draw begins. While fans across the globe wait with bated breath to see which three nations their own country will face in the group stages, the suspense pales in comparison to that which comes before the announcement of the winner of FIFA's inaugural award for peace for "individuals who help bring together people in peace through unwavering dedication and notable actions." Given that the draw is in Washington and the tournament is primarily in the United States, guesses about the recipient are widespread, though the hints are apparent.

"There's no concern at the moment. I was speaking to the chairman today. My relationship with him is rock solid really. I have a truly transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have absolutely no concerns whatsoever" – a statement from a coach whose side on a five-match losing streak, providing a classic quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced should changes occur in the future.

Fan Correspondence

• "Further to the mention of a possible club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at Fulham who cost more than £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to purchase a Highland League club and rename it after himself."
• "Going to football games in the past, when the answer was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an extra official."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's Global Tombola: just what memorable tune will a famous group come up with if a certain individual refuses to leave the stage, requiring an additional song?"